Pay attention to these current bills in Parliament

Here are the letters I wrote:

- To Ruth Hunt of the House of Lords

- To my MP

- To Keir Starmer

Hi folks

I would like to tell you about three pieces of UK legislation in the works, and political activity around them, that I feel we should all be aware of.

I got the whiff of them after a Facebook post two weeks ago, which hit my sensors and got me digging. I read a lot of articles, felt a lot of hard feelings, called and had a discussion group try to to make sense of this together, and these are my findings. I’d like to share them.

The pieces of legislation amount to, as Alyzabeth Anath succinctly put it, 

“a degradation of integrity of government in the spirit of, ‘we can do whatever we want, and we are going to have power over you’.”

I find it scary, and it raises a lot of questions about why. Ok here are the details.

In sum:

1. The Overseas Operations Bill - “a bill to restrict prosecutions of torture and war crimes against British soldiers serving abroad"
2. The Covert Human Intelligence Bill - basically saying that undercover agents will not be prosecuted for any crimes, “including rape, torture and murder”
3. Review of Administrative Law - reducing the ability of an individual to challenge the legality of government decisions in court.

It all sounds very legal-esy so I’ll try to be as clear and simple as possible. Individually they’re all slightly abstract. Put them together, and add last summer’s prorogation of parliament, and I believe we have reason to be concerned, vigilant and active.

1. The Overseas Operations Bill 

A new bill basically saying that British military service people serving overseas cannot be prosecuted for war crimes and torture after 5 years after the event. 

“There has been considerable pressure from the Conservative backbenchers to halt prosecutions of veterans” writes The Guardian. The bill is an attempt to give military service people greater protection. It also potentially protects the government being prosecuted for war crimes conducted by service people, whose actions it is accountable for, more than (I believe) 5 years after the event.

Dan Dolan, the deputy director of Reprieve, a human rights group, said he believed “this bill would effectively decriminalise acts of torture which took place more than five years ago”, ending a ban on torture that dates back to 1640.

“Torture has been illegal in this country for more than three centuries,” he added. (Source)

The British military operates to fairly high standards, I believe. For example, last I heard, it was illegal for a British soldier to shoot someone in the back as they walk away, whereas it’s not illegal for a US soldier. If you compare the records of our militaries, the US military does a lot more nasty shit than British soldiers who are, we hope, at the very least adhering to international law.

“While the government seeks to shield itself from blame, however, soldiers may well find themselves in the international criminal court, whose jurisdiction will be triggered if the British government chooses to avoid prosecuting them.” Writes The Guardian,

For some reason, Keir Stamer whipped labour MPs to not vote on the bill. 

18 Labour MPs defied the whip and voted against the bill, 3 of whom were then sacked as Parliamentary Private Secretaries (though I believe remain MPs.) Source. 

Update: as of 2 Nov 2020, Labour will now vote agains the bill "to avoid a revolt"

2. Covert Human Intelligence Bill (aka the ‘spy cops bill’)

(I’m mostly sourcing from articles in the Independent such as this one. )

As far as I can tell, British spies and people working undercover have for a long time had an implicit protection from crimes they may commit while doing their jobs, in order to do their jobs. For example they have to join criminal rings, and may need to participate in crimes to win the trust of the ring.

The Government is now deciding to put that down in writing, and this is called the Covert Human Intelligence Bill.

The Bill has sparked alarm because:

1. It does not set any limits on the types of crimes undercover agents can commit.

Critics say this gives them a carte blanch to commit rape, murder, torture. Comparable legislation in the US and Canada sets limits on the types of crimes agents can do, argue critics, and the UK should too.

Defenders say, don’t worry, they’re covered by the Geneva Convention on Human Rights anyway.

Critics say, say that on the tin then.

2. There’s a wide remit for who is covered by this

It’s not just undercover people working for MI5 or the police. It’s people working undercover for a range of government agencies, including the Food Standards Agency and HMRC.

It’s troubling, particularly at a time of Brexit, new trade deals with the US…

3. The range of reasons why undercover agents can commit crimes is uncomfortably broad.

Undercover agents are allowed to commit crimes in the name of national security, but also in the interest of “British Economic Interests” and “general public order.”

I find this chilling.

What’s happened?

The bill has been approved in the House of Commons and is with the Lords for consideration.

Keir Starmer tabled an amendment that would have stopped the authorisation of serious offences including causing death or bodily harm, torture, violating the sexual integrity of a person and detention. It was defeated by 317 votes to 256.

Strangely, while proposing the amendment, Keir once again whipped Labour MPs not to vote. 

Several MPs rebelled against the whip and resigned their front bench positions in order to vote for the ammendments. (About 18 MPs I think.)

“MPs complained that time to debate the law had been severely limited, amid accusations that the government was rushing the bill through ahead of potentially damaging findings in the forthcoming Undercover Policing Inquiry.”  Writes The Independent.

What’s with all this whipping?

According to a labour opinion piece, Keir Starmer is trying to make the labour party electable, and part of this involves improving their reputation on National Security. So Keir is managing his MPs voting record so that they’re not seen to be giving British service people and undercover agents annoying hassles. 

Personally, I find the whipping alarming, especially in “The current period where the executive faces weak parliamentary scrutiny,”  according to David Allen Green, the FT's legal expert (due to large Conservative majority, and possibly also covid affecting government operations.)

As you know, our system is that we vote in MPs who we hope will make good decisions and be accountable to their electorate (us); if they are prevented from voting, it feels like an alarming impingement to democratic functioning. And in these instances, it may be enabling dangerous legislation to pass.

3. Review of Administrative Law

This is the title of an independent review process the government recently initiated.

Basically they’re looking for ways to amend Judicial Review (JR).

JR is a process by which an individual can use a court to challenge the legality of a government decision. The court may then rule a government decision unlawful, which it has done recently in the case of the prorogation of parliament, and the attempt to trigger article 50 without parliamentary approval.

So having had their wrists slapped twice by Judicial Review, the government is now looking for ways that it can reduce this pesky power of the individual to legally challenge the government. 

The FT’s legal expert, David Allen Green, made a helpful YouTube video to explain it. 

“Judicial power should never be at the centre of public policy,” Green says, “but it should police its margins, so as to ensure that the rule of law and standards of fairness are complied with.  That is why we should place under anxious scrutiny any attempts by the executive to weaken the power of the judiciary and of judicial review when this would weaken the ability of individuals, in practice, to challenge any misuse of power.”

“The best way for a Government or any public body to avoid the problems of Judicial Review, to avoid having decisions rules and policies quashed by the courts on the basis of illegality or unfairness, is to make better rules, decisions and policies in the first place.”

All that’s happened currently is the instigation of an independent review, but we need to watch this closely, and we need to protect Judicial Review.

Conclusion, questions and signposts

The Overseas Operations Bill, The Covert Human Intelligence Bill and the Review of Administrative Law, especially when added to the Prorogation of Parliament, generate in me feelings of grave concern.

Our democracy needs protection. That we govern with instruments of peace and not violence, needs appropriate legal architecture. That the legality and fairness of government decisions has checks and balances, needs protection. And that we the people can elect representatives through democratic process and that they can vote freely in the House of Commons and that this voting forms the basis of what does and doesn’t pass through government, is I believe at present the best mechanism we have (sure things could always be better) of making decisions as a nation and having some hope that these decisions will be more or less ok.

“We must all tidy our knicker drawers”, declared my mother as we entered the first lockdown.

These bills seem to represent a kind of governmental knicker drawer tidying, but why these areas?

I must confess, in our polarisation and echo chambers, I do not understand the motivations behind these efforts.

My idea of good knicker drawer tidying in a covid year in parliament might be to try to do something about the 300,000 homeless people in the UK. Or the estimated £5.2bn of lost taxes that are not collected each year due to various forms of tax avoidance. (The lost taxes divided by the number of homeless works out at about £17,000 per person per year by the way.) And to address our climate challenges. And our education, health and wellbeing challenges. And on and on.

Why work to make government more powerful, people less powerful, violence more tolerated, human rights less protected? It feels, I’m sorry this sounds alarmist, but it feels like building the architecture of a fascist state.

Personally I am more drawn to creation than to fighting, but this, I will resist.

I will write to my MP asking him to vote against legislation that reduces checks and balances on government, or is increasingly permissive of violence by state representatives. I invite you to consider doing the same. 

I will write to Keir Starmer asking him to hold on the whipping. I invite you to consider doing the same, and if you have a labour MP, I invite you to encourage them to vote freely and not be whipped. (What’s with this language anyway??)

I will write to Ruth Hunt in the House of Lords asking her to work with the Lords to create strong checks and balances to protect our democracy, our peacefulness, checks and balances on power and the integrity of our government and country.

Here are my letters:

- To Ruth Hunt of the House of Lords

- To my MP

- To Keir Starmer

How to strengthen progressive power?

I have say 2h per week that I would like to dedicate to somehow being a chink in a chain of healthy democracy. I am looking around for what role to play. Join a party? Which party? Follow a leader? Which leader? I see no leader to follow.

What is going on in progressive party politics is a whole other piece. But an important one. Do we want to be resisting, challenging and clearing up the bad decisions of a seemingly dangerous government, or do we want to be organising our considerable power towards initiatives for sustainability, inclusive prosperity, wellbeing and peace? I know what I’d rather be doing with my life. How? I can’t see the way presently. I’m open to ideas. I’m seeking.

Thank you for reading this far. Protect our country and world with me?

With you in this,

Briony.

The Center for Regenerative Culture Innovation & Regenerative Music Institute

A new eco retreat centre (probably in mid-Wales) supporting singers, musicians, paradigm shift and all of life.

Vision and Orientation

The Center for Regenerative Cultural Innovation - the CRCI - is to be a retreat centre and farm which will hopefully carry the name of the place where it finds home.

Its quest ultimately is to seek and support the emergence of a culture which is healthy, flourishing, non-oppressive, and in which human life works in balance with all other life forms, near and far.

I, Briony Greenhill, am its founder. I am a musician, teacher and innovator, with a degree in Political Science, a background in environmentalism, and a lot of experience with community and healing endeavours.

The retreat centre will have a main event space, smaller practice rooms, comfortable indoor sleeping for 20, camping facilities, a kitchen dining-room and hearth, and hopefully, an eco-spa. The surrounding land will be partly for growing food, part wildlife areas.

Here are Pinterest boards for the Studio and Retreat Center.

The venue intends to be home to four endeavours:

1. My Music School

I run a small business teaching improvised singing. It’s a new (and old) thing. Last year, for example, I taught 200 people, used retreat centres for 10 weeks and 15 weekends, turned over £105k (that mostly goes to other people) and spent £35k on renting retreat centres. I wish to create a home for my work.

Here is a film about my teaching.

2. The Regenerative Music Institute

I dream of it becoming a Regenerative Music Institute, regenerating our cultural capacity to be musical. 

Supporting students, teachers and practitioners - from amateur to top professional - of ear-based and improvised music

By offering space, facilities, methods, materials and events 

for teaching, learning, collaborating, jamming, practicing, performance, live room recording, retreats, camps and perhaps,

Public conversations about music, culture, education, industry, wellbeing, excellence, economy, joy, ritual, spirituality, dance, environmentalism, health, participation, inclusion, place, and ear-based and improvised musicianship, both vocal and instrumental. 

I would be one of the teachers, one of the practitioners, one of the students, among others. 

This is presently a dream. My work is emergent, which means that it develops one step at a time, and I don’t want to get ahead of myself. For now, it is simply that the CRCI facilities would be fit for this purpose.

3. The Center for Regenerative Cultural Innovation

The rest of the time, the retreat centre would be available for hire by people running events in the field of Regenerative Cultural Innovation. By “regeneration” I mean enhancing aliveness in ways that create cascade enhancements for the whole web of life. Repair, renewal; picking up what may be broken and carefully breathing in new life. Transformation, in partnership with a bigger aliveness we’re in a web with; listening for what Life wants (which is how I improvise).

So this is work for healing and flourishing in eight inter-related realms: 

Self, spirit, ecology, the body, belonging, community, hands and system.

(Graphic: Wheel / directions. 8 pebbles?  NE Self, E spirit, SE ecology, S the body, SW belonging, W community, NW hands and N system.)

Self

Heart · Soul · Rites of Passage · Mindfulness & the quality of consciousness · Healing · Purpose, Realisation · Growth · Creative expression · Tending the inner life · Cultivating wisdom.

Spirit

Earth-based Spirituality · Prayer, Directions · Aho Mitakue Oyasin / In the web of all my relations · Relating with my relations: trees, rocks, plants, creatures, waters, soil, humans, me, my body, the moon and sun…  Ceremony and Ritual · Sweat lodge, Vision Quest, Initiation · Gratitude and offerings · Solstice, Equinox, Beltane etc · Stone circles, sacred enclosures · Sacred music · Direct divinity: energy, consciousness · Clarity, emptiness, order · Space for the Dao, space for Spirit.

Ecology

Regenerative agro-ecology · Environmentalism · Ecological consciousness · Limits · Local resilience and regeneration in the face of ecological crisis · Practicality, empowerment · Making merry · Nature as sentient and sacred.

The Body

Embodiment · Somatic trauma healing · Dance · Food, gut, soil, nutrition and health ·

Deep health · goodbye wheat, sugar, alcohol, cigarettes. Hello organic veggies, fermentation, sprouting…  substance in-dependence · Let’s feel good in here. Then cuddle. · Eros · Erotic freedom and flourishing, healing and exploration · de-shaming Eros · holding Eros and the body as sacred; a personal and collective exploration.

Belonging

Knowing our place, people, plants and ecology · Language · Poetry · Humility · Gentleness · Lineage · Belonging · Complexity: Scatterlings seeking to become indigenous · Home · Our ancient indigenous ways and music · evolving.

Community 

Connection & Relating · Communication skills · Culture, place, creativity · Ritual and Ceremony · Disrupt privilege · Include the excluded · Connect the divided · Positivity, appreciation, celebration · Generosity · Loving on each other. You’re so great in these ways. Go for it! · Interpersonal skills, wisdom and ways · Heart · Creative expression. Sing! Dance! · Tribe. Elders, ancestors, children, future generations · Contention widsom: “unk” · Truth, transparency, mutual support · Holding shadow with compassion: healing consciousness · Tribal co-operation and flourishing · Tribal solutions to personal and social themes: love, family, ageing, purpose, local resilience and regeneration in the face of ecological crisis · The we - social consciousness · Lineage and ancestry · Loyalty, commitment, honour · Conscious culture.

Hands

Making · Building · Weaving · Hunting · Fishing · Foraging · Growing · Burying · Tending.

Care and the beauty way · Wood, glass, sunlight · Manifestation, doing, effectiveness  · Excellence, quality · Play, creativity, wildness.

System

Paradigm Shift · Spiral Dynamics · Innovation · Progressive Business · Turquoise Politics · Ecological-human systems · Financial sensibleness · Decency, ethical rigour · Logos, intellectual vitality.

I fuse these values from the cultures I have lived among and experienced: Welsh, British progressive middle class, Native American, British folk / pagan, San Francisco Bay Area, Eastern (yoga / meditation), New Culture (Network for a New Culture, Tamera, Zegg), environmentalists, academics, innovators, progressive business and social enterprise; politics and policy innovators; the sex-positive community; the conscious dance community; the Rites of Passage community; the somatic trauma healing crowd, the Nature Connection community, musicians. These have been all my human worlds and the weave of the gifts of each culture fuse into the pebbles of welcome around each theme. 

If you live, lead, study or seek any one of the aforementioned threads and feel open minded to many or most of the others, then the doors, my friends, are open. 

4. The Regenerative Village Project

In future, I hope that the CRCI paves the way for some people to make their homes here and create a Regenerative Village, in which new potentials will become realisable.

Turquoise Politics

Summary: we need each other. Can we move beyond othering?

There’s a kind of a simple beauty to our political economy in the UK,

Three sectors, each with a different role, mutually interdependent.

Business makes stuff. Our tech. Shoes. Glasses, clothes, music lessons. And, ideally, surpluses. 

Surpluses are fun. I’m struck by all the times I’ve been the recipient of a surplus someone else generated, and the kinds of new stuff and richness of life that that has produced. Now I’m beginning to be the creator of surpluses, with which I create jobs for others. They seem to like that.

So, surpluses are fun. In Machynlleth where I’m living now, there aren’t many surpluses, it seems, and there’s a feeling like a scarce sharing of a small cake, economically.

Being at the helm of a business is intense. You need startup capital, so you deal with investors and loan providers who you become obliged to; it’s pressure, risk. There’s always uncertainty and insecurity. As we see in the current C-Virus crisis, it’s businesses and self employed people who seem to be hit hardest economically. My friends working in public and third sector jobs seem to be able to keep going, whereas those of us delivering direct in-person services to the public / our customers see our incomes suddenly crashing and it having a series of devastating effects on our spreadsheets and the realities they represent, like, people getting paid.

Given the pressures of business leadership, it’s not surprising that business leaders are often focused on a single bottom line. It’s scary in here. Create surpluses as much as possible, for security.

So, businesses make and do stuff, and create surpluses that go to, generally, investors and employees, but that doesn’t take care of everybody so we have government.

Government taxes the surpluses of business, and redistributes them and provides public services available to all, to take care of the whole population and not leave anybody out. (Ideally.)

Cool. 

Businesses and government can get quite large and stuck in their ways, become a bit blind sighted so we have:

The third sector. NGOs, media, arts, think tanks, charities, social enterprises. They’re often funded by surpluses from businesses, and sometimes by government / public taxes.

The political philosopher Foucault said, if you want to see what’s coming next, look to the edges. Not to the big players in the middle carrying the heavy weight of current economic everything, but the lighter smaller players at the edge, looking, seeing, imagining.

Look! They say. This thing over here could be better! How about this? Huh this seems broken. These people are missing out! They need extra attention. Over here!

It’s kind of beautiful; this three sector system. It’s like a fountain with businesses generating spouts of water and then government and the third sector being part of the water sculpture that moves the water here and there, and thus we have, our economy / our country / our world. (Plus a few underlying ingredients, like, worldview, nature, consciousness…)

I see two things.

One. Each part needs the other. 

Currently, we seem to be in a lot of othering and mistrust. 

Some people in business don’t trust government. They avoid taxes; re-invest, go offshore.

Oops. Government can’t do its job so well. It tries.

The third sector kind of hates on businesses. When Corporations Rule The World. Bankers are evil. Bag the assholes.

Business turns their backs on the third sector. Feels unsafe. (Understandably..)

The median level of charitable giving among the ultra-rich is just £240 a year.  “It’s like putting landed gentry in front of a bunch of Guardian readers,” said Ms Dovey. “It’s not a comfortable place for them to be.” (Financial Times)

So, enter talk of Spiral Dynamics. Different colours for different “stages in the evolution of consciousness.” Perhaps, the third sector is “Green,” the progressive left. Perhaps, business is “blue” and “orange:” boundaried interests (prioritising the small ‘we’ over the big ‘we’), old-school science (Newtonian separation), onward-and-upward linear growth trajectories.

Greens are coming under fire for celebrating all kinds of diversity, but not worldview diversity. “Bankers are evil” etc. 

Let’s not blame it all on greens. In their single bottom line focus and cost externalisation, businesses have done a fair bit of damage and one can see why the greens are pissed off.

As for government? Well, it feels siloed and no one has done a good job at really celebrating the contribution of each of the three sectors and helping us come together.

This is the thing. If sector relating is characterised by othering, mistrust, enemizing, and a turning away from, we’re basically all in a horrible world together, facing collective challenges like the C Virus but more significantly, climate change and extreme inequality, without being able to work together respectfully, with each giving and receiving what is theirs to give and take. 

How do we get to a place where we can see each other. Listen to each other. Communicate well. Speak so that others can listen. Listen so that others can speak?

Can we move politics beyond a gladiatorial battle of one side vs the other - I lob you harder, you fall off the plinth - victory is mine! -

…towards a round circle where we need each other, and we are patiently and curiously listening to every voice in the circle. “Here’s how it is over here.” “Over here it’s like this.”

I’d go beyond. Adding voices for the natural world, for future generations.

We all matter. We need each other.

Can we put down the fight and co-operate? We feel so siloed at the moment it’s like we need a peace and reconciliation commission. 

A personal story.

I grew up pretty green. Political Science degree and work in campaigning and social enterprise in my 20s compounded that. Corporations rule the world. Corporations are evil. Bankers caused the financial crash. Bankers are evil. Oil companies are laying waste our world. Oil companies are evil.

A year or two ago, I was walking around my boyfriend’s house on the phone when my eyes casually landed upon his investment portfolio lying open on a shelf. I had a general sense of his wealth. But seeing the amount of zeros, as I was on the phone to my eco-village founding, song-leader Elder friend in Port Townsend, my body started to boil. Getting off the phone I flipped open my laptop and quickly did a search of all of the companies on the $2m portfolio. 3 oil companies. Car hire companies. Fossil fuel based consumer capitalism. I freaked out hard. I wasn’t only sleeping with the enemy, I was in love with him, living with him, bonded to him.

A relational explosion followed. After weeks of not speaking, therapy, 6 hour conversations in cars in parking lots smoking cigarettes, we resumed our partnership. He divested his portfolio, shifted it to impact investing and bought a Tesla. I owned and investigated the violence in my political belonging.

We’ve separated now and he’s dating a wealthy former model while I’m founding an eco village. Back in California where they live, the earth is drying out, power outages are getting more frequent and fires grow in size each year. Here in Wales the rain is falling harder than ever and so, so many trees have fallen in the worsening storms.

We’re in too much trouble to keep hating on each other like this.  Each position is trying to do their best, I believe.

What will it take to lay down our enemization, respect one another, learn from each other, be able to hear each other?

Ultimately, we are in it together. We could say, we are all berries on the same vine. A human family sharing a fragile earth. 

This, I would argue, is the realm of Turquoise Politics.

Turquoise is a stage in the Spiral Dynamics model where you can see the value of each position and integrate them.

This goes beyond sectors and into relationships between and within political parties, and the demos.

I don't know if this stacks up but it might be that generally, the private sector votes blue, public sector workers votes red, and third sector folks vote green / yellow / red. 

So turquoise politics means people at different places in the circle of political experience to listen to one another with curiosity and respect. It also involves people within political parties doing the same. 

And in the demos, us out here, it involves us somehow getting back to town hall meetings where we meet difference and listen with curiosity and respect; rather than siloing in our Facebook and Twitter echo-chambers, hating on the Other. 

Here’s the second thing I see. That whole model of the private sector, surpluses, the stock market, tax and redistribution, philanthropy and the third sector, gets foundational disrupted by progressive business ownership models, discussed for example by Marjorie Kelly in Owning Our Future.

If the private sector doesn’t drench quite so much from the human, social and ecological spheres to create its surpluses; if surpluses are not so large or not so confined to the already wealthy in direct relationship to the wealth through the stock market; if consciousness and the legal forms it is expressed through live inter-being from the start…. All that is going to change that afore-mentioned water sculpture structure in ways I can’t forsee before my 10am meeting.

But I’m interested.

Thanks for reading this far.

In it with you.

Briony.

Learning to hold a heart

I'm starting to learn to hold a heart.

I know, I'm a late developer.

Here's something that happened.

I'm sitting with G. He's explaining how he feels.

As I'm listening, I feel attacked, and blamed. I feel fear rising and moving like hot energy snakes around my body; I sense in my arms the desire to rise up and fight, my desire to shout, about how ridiculous he's being, the unconscious misogyny, the desire to control me from his fear, the powerful desire to defend my freedom and the goodness of my life.

I am trying to learn to not be reactive; to manage deep listening; to express empathy; to take time, when my partner is on fire, to calm the fire, before I bring forward my feelings and needs and fight against him, for them.

I listen for as long as I can take it. Then I say, give me a minute.

Ok, he says.

I walk away. It feels good. He starts to speak to me. I hold up my hand - really, please, a minute.

Ok.

I move several feet away. That feels good. Oh i need to shake. I shake. That feels good. I've just absorbed a lot. I calm a little. I see the piano. I really want to play it. "Are you ok if I play the piano for a moment?" "Sure."

I sit. One chord. Yes. I'm flooded with yes. This is my place. This is a safe space for my feelings. G minor. Yes! F9. Oh yes! D minor. Fuck yes! C major. Of course!!! I move through them, getting louder and louder, making the chords more and more crunchy, my fingers fly fiercely across the keys, and here is the sound of my rage, and my fear, the motherfucker.

I move through and through it until something softens and I'm just left with, wow! He's in so much pain! The poor fucker! It leads me to the final chord.

I turn to him. "G you poor thing! You've been in so much pain!"

At the empathy, he cries.

And we have connection.

Now the rage and fear have been moved, I can hear him more. I can get to the heart of the feelings, behind all those very unreasonable seeming irrational deluded fears and odd assumptions, I can get to the heart of the needs, and the reality of his feeling insecure. However unreal his fears, his feeling of insecurity is true. I can literally put my hand on his heart, and hold it, and be with him, and want to help him, somehow, I don't know how yet, to feel more secure.

And then, he's ready to hear me. By now he really wants to hear me. And then I can say my fears, and he can hear them. It's Sunday afternoon.

On Friday night we were screaming at each other until 3am, breaking up, and I drove an hour home at 3am; by Monday morning, we are closer than ever before in each others arms.

I am beginning to learn.

A rattle snake and a walker: Love, Gender, and Power.

I walked, a 5’10 strong, long legged, walking-booted woman, alone on a Californian coast path, 4 miles from a road, no phone. At one step, I heard a loud, horrifying rattle, and saw about a meter in front of me a large rattle snake coiled on the path, its head raised a couple of feet hissing a fierce, terrified rattle. I shrieked! Screamed! Already on a strong forward momentum, I ran semi-circle past the snake and onwards, heart racing, away.

“You were both in mortal danger at that point," said Nunutsi Tenipe, a part Native-American, part Scottish guide.

“Four miles from a road with no phone, a rattle-snake bite would have killed you. Your footfall would have killed the snake. The snake’s rattle saved you both.”

* * *

When I fall in love, and begin to partner, I notice a Little Wife archetype rising up like a ghost ship, like the Mary Rose from the deep, and starting to gain access to my thoughts, feelings and actions. 

* * *

I pay attention to my first thoughts of the day. They are usually clear distillations of the night’s processing and dreams.

I wake one morning in my lover’s arms. My first thought: “I am pair bonding with this man. It would break my heart now for this to end.”

I go pee and come back to bed. He wakes and starts dreaming into life with me. The previous day, I had expressed to him that one of my consistent longings if to have more time to practice the piano. This morning, he starts asking me what I earn, what I charge. We talk a while. Then, he offers me $500 a week if I cancel half of my students and devote time to practicing music alone and with him. 

I say, what about power. I would have to please you; I would be at risk of poverty if I raise conflict; disagree with you.

He pulls out his phone; checks with me for consent, opens up PayPal, and deposits $14,000 into my Paypal account.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me.

In the next two days, I become small, scared and sad. Giving my heart voice, it says, “joy is gone. Life is gone. I am grey, I am dry, I am empty, I am dying now.”

After two days, I crack, and cry.

* * *

I am eating a snack with an older Scottish woman. She once received financial assistance, she said, from an organisation originally called The Distressed Gentlewoman's Aid Association; now called Turn 2 Us. It was initially established in the 1800s to help middle class women whose husbands took a mistress into the home; if the wife complained, she was expelled from the home, instantly destitute. For women in that position, their main option was usually prostitution. In order to prevent this, the fund provided financial assistance to these women as they handled their transition.

She tells me this and a kind of trauma, a pain, a rush of energy pulses through my body; I weep a little into my snack.

It’s like, the minute the man has economic power in the relationship, and the woman becomes economically dependent upon him, instantly it is like she cannot disagree, cannot displease, must follow the man. She becomes, it feels/seems, voiceless. 

Her truth; her path; her gifts; her flourishing; is quietened. She achieves a fulfilled life by assisting, following, and supporting him.

It gets a bit more horrific, I notice one night as we’re going to bed. She must always cook his food, must provide sex on demand - does she have access to “no”? Can she say what she likes? Can she co-lead their erotic life? Can she co-lead any aspect of their life? She must tidy up after him; mend his shirts, sew his buttons. She is in a kind of bondage, I realise. A kind of slavery.

Fuck!! I exhale hard lying down in bed, taking on the full oppression of the almost entirety of many, many women’s lives, in history. And… Some presently? I’m sorry if my question mark is ignorant. I honestly do not know.

* * *

The 100% message that school and family surrounded me with as a young English girl in the 1980s and 1990s was, ‘girls are as good as boys. You are equal. You can do anything you want with your life. You will and must have a career. He will and must share the cooking, cleaning and childcare.”

Meanwhile I saw my father gain the upper hand in any decisions that involved money, because ultimately it was his, he earned it. I saw my mother, with no pension of her own, rail in powerless frustration at her economic dependence. Young, I watched it, and took note.

Always have your own income. Always have your own pension. Always have your own economic power.

* * *

I like my lover’s kitchen. It’s really really nice. It’s open, and pretty, and spacious, with lots of clear surfaces and useful stuff. There are big windows that look out over lovely hills; birds fly in the wide open sky. We are up a hill, with a bird's view. The open floor room opens out to a grand piano, and space, calm, and more views. It’s a really lovely kitchen.

I tell him this one day.  He says, “well hey, you know, if this works out between us, well, if you wanted, you could make this your kitchen. I kind of…. feel lonely in  this kitchen, I feel dysfunctional here. If you wanted, you could really make it yours, and I would provide whatever equipment, keep it stocked with the finest local organic delicious food, and you could do your thing.”

A British person might expect me to slap him.

But, it went to a deep place within me. I slowly put my arms around him, sighed, and talked quietly into his ear in Clingon. It’s my nonsense language I learned from my 1 year old niece; with which I can express things from deep in my heart, a place the English language doesn’t seem to go to in me. He’s learnt to get to used to this :)

Then i translate it into English.

“Your words touch a place deep in my feminine soul. I love food. I love to cook. I love to share food. I love to nourish people. I hate giving rides, I love giving food. I naturally track a cupboard’s stock, notice what is vibrant in the market, imagine and create with flavour and nourishment. It’s one of the ways I love to care and nurture. I never think about money. I always think about food.

“If feels amazing to be offered support, provision. I start to feel the capacity for a deep collaboration with you. It’s like, my gifts and my dreams need your resources. And, your resources need my dreams.”

* * *

My friend R has fallen in love with J. Both meditators, they both notice some of their more subtle thoughts. She thinks, “I am the wee wife now, and I must help this amazing man bring his amazing work into the world.” He thinks, “our love is a poker game and we must bring everything to the table. She has to bring her business to the table. I have to own her business, otherwise I won’t be able to control her. She has to bring her home; I have to own her home, otherwise I won’t be able to own her. I have to own her, otherwise I will be threatened.”

Threatened with what? Abandonment; humiliation, infidelity...  power sharing? 

* * *

Can men and women, in love, underneath it all, quietly be a rattle snake and a walker, both screaming in mortal danger? How do we cultivate the genuine, mutual sense of safety necessary for power sharing, trust and non oppression? Also known, I imagine, as love!?!?